This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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