no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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