im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
