I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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