paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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