I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
