Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
