Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
