seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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