Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Come see our sink grown plant.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
