Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
