look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
