guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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