So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize