She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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