I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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