I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
