If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize