And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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