He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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