Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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