He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
