Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
