Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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