Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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