gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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