Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
