At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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