Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
