did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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