Dude my mom stole all your condoms
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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