I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
