happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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