maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize