I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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