i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
