So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
