omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
