I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
