Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
