my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
