To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize