i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
