I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
