i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Im part way to drunk.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
