Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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