Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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