I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
