Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
