Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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