and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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