I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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