Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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