I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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