I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
