In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize