Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
