Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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