then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
